Deepika’s Mother was not keeping well. Deepika had been asking her mother to see a Doctor. It was the same today. “Mummy, please go to the Doctor. You are not well”.
“No Deepika, I will be fine. It is just a headache. You get ready for college. Pack something for your evening. You have your tuition after college”. “Mummy, I have taken some bread and jam. But promise me you will get up and eat your breakfast. Don’t lie down”.
The bus horn sounded and Deepika left for college. Deepika’s mother Shanta got up to have her breakfast and lay down on the sofa. Her thoughts were with Deepika.
How she has grown? She has become more responsible at this age. She lost her father when she was ten. Her father Ravi had reported to work ten years ago and did not return home. He was killed fighting on the border. He was awarded posthumous military honors. She was left with the pension, the children and her loneliness. In the beginning a few of the relatives called regularly but slowly everybody drifted away. She struggled to bring up Deepika. She was tired. What love could she give her? When there was so much bitterness in her heart? She didn’t deserve it. Ravi and Shanta were a wonderful couple. She remembered the time he came home for the holidays. He liked to go on long walks. She could not keep pace with him. But he would wait for her. As she walked slowly, he would come back for her. On the ascent near the hillock at the resting point, they would stop for a while, loving the calm moments, away from the bustle. The birds would be roosting, flying and fluttering. The soft hues of the evening sky would spread a faint light. They would descend hand in hand, on the trot, enveloped by a tender intimacy. Ravi liked the outdoor; the great trees, forests, hills and grass lands.
Her reverie was interrupted by the home delivery man. ‘Maam your account is due by 2,000 rupees. You have to credit some amount.” said the executive and delivered some provisions. “I will be sending shortly” said Shanta. Things were not exactly smug with two children to support and the house expenses. The pension was barely sufficient. Shanta mechanically completed her work, cleaning and cooking for the evening and waited for Deepika.
It was difficult to bring her up. Aravind was different. He loved his father but kept to himself mostly. He wouldn’t come out. She remembered she got a report from the hostel about his nocturnal visits to the terrace to gaze at the stars. Deepika would cry and ask for Papa. She would keep opening the old albums and ask questions continuously about this photo or that . It stopped after a year or so. But she had to bear the unbearable sadness: Why had she remained single after Ravi’s death? She remembered Ravi had made her promise she would marry again in case of his death. But she never honored the promise. She could not start again. She had no energy left to start a fresh relationship.
Time meandered on to the evening. It was the same every day. Deepika would sit down with her work, watch some show on T.V and then it was time for dinner. The small talk during dinner was about the next day’s classes. Aravind would call once a week. After kissing her mother Deepika would get to her bed in her room and Shanta was left alone. In the darkness of the night Shanta had nothing to think about. The blackness enveloped her body and her thoughts. Deepika or the neighbors could not know why she was so tired and restless during the day. She hardly had any sleep.
She had a call from Aravind in the evening, “Mommy, How are you?” “OK – Son – Just getting along” ”Is Deepu there? Has she returned? “No – Not yet. She would be here in an hour or so. How about you? What are your results?” “Nothing to worry Mom- I have got all the credits required. I have applied for 3 Universities in the U.S and because of my score I may also get a scholarship.” “That’s nice. Should I send you some of those powders and pickles you liked? You said the food in the hostel was quite bland” “No need Ma I have found a new restaurant which serves spicy food”.
She felt another need of his liberated from her care. “Mom, Iam planning to find a job there in the U.S. Some of my seniors are already there. Once I’m settled there, in 4 or 5 years you too could come over”. He seemed excited. He went on without waiting for her answer. “Mommy I would need around 4 or 5 lakhs initially for the expenses. You think you can raise that amount”. She was silent for a moment. The only thing she could think of was the land the Government had given her. “No – It would not be a problem. I can get it. When would you need it”? “In another 3 months. Thank you Mommy.” And then she heard him disengage.
“It was not inappropriate in any way. She had known all along that he was planning to leave the country. Of course he spoke of taking her with him after he settled down. Is it not said that a bird that has grown wings will flow out of the nest”? Her mobile glowed. It was Deepu’s message “Mummy, I will be late. Don’t wait for me. I’m going to a birthday party”. She messaged back “Don’t stay after 9.00 P.M”.
The TV was on and she turned into some serials and turned down the volume.
She felt an urge to lean back upon someone to pour her heart out, say something; the immutable loneliness struck deep into her. When Ravi was away on duty Shanta had the security of a long distance telephone call. She sensed danger but was always expectant, expectant of the future whether danger or joy. Now there was nothing. Only blankness.
She remembered the days when Deepika was born. She was still in the hospital. Ravi had come down on leave. “Our first born should have been twins; a girl and a boy. I would have had more time to spend with them”. “Why what’s wrong? Shanta said. “ Nothing that I can think of immediately. But one doesn’t know in my kind of work, one can’t say.” Shanta looked intently at him. “I married you when you were in the force.” She seemed to be saying “What is this new thing now? Have we not discussed all this before?”
One day in November she had a call from the regiment. “Ravi Asst. Commandant has been killed in combat.” All the other things followed swiftly. His mortal remains were brought down. They let her see him only once. The face was entirely disfigured. It was a grenade explosion. Many important people came to offer their respects to the martyred soldier. In two days everything was over. All of them left after the cremation.
The bell rang. Shanta opened the door. Deepika came in with Amit. Amit had been coming in along with Deepika. He was a classmate and friend. “Hi Aunty” said Amit “How was the birthday party Deepu?”.
“Mummy, it was great fun. There was the usual thing; cutting the cake, singing , Radhika said it was only three or four of us. But there were more than a hundred people. Radhika’s Daddy is a Producer, so there were some actors and actresses also in the party.”
“So you got to know some heroes and heroines”
“No: Not the leading stars but other actors like those on the TV”. “Oh’ Is Amit going home” Shanta paused to expand the question. “No Mummy, he will stay here tonight. We will revise some lessons “ said Deepika.
“If you are going to stay in late, I will make some tea and keep the flask for you.” said Shanta. “Some biscuits too Mummy” said Deepika.
At 21, Deepika felt there was nothing wrong about planning her life. She met Amit when she was in the Engineering College. Amit was a brilliant soft ware expert, who had already ventured into coding and writing complicated programmes. He was quiet and decent. He was ambitious and Deepika wanted to share her life with him. Initially it was difficult. Amit’s family was uninterested. They had several plans for Amit who was in line for a fantastic job in an MNC with over 24 lakhs per annum . But Amit and Deepika were strong. After several days, Amit’s parents wanted to pay a visit to Shanta. Shanta was a little apprehensive. On the day Amit’s parents were expected, she had one of those terrible days of sleeplessness and was clearly out of sorts when Amit’s mother came.
“Mummy, this is Mrs. Uma Sharma, Amit’s mother. My mother Shanta Ravi”. Ms.Uma Sharma clearly looked to show off. She started. “Amit is a brilliant boy. You know many of my friends and relatives have been enquiring about him. 24 lakhs package per annum in an MNC! He is like a piece of gold. I was searching for a suitable alliance. But he comes along and says, I love this girl Deepika. You must meet her mother and talk it over. Now instead of you coming over, it is the other way round. All awry. I heard you lost your husband. Where was that? I had a friend who lost her brother. They gave his widow a job. “Mrs.Uma went on. Deepika had told her about Mrs.Uma’s over bearing nature. “Mummy please get on with it. Don’t react. For me, please go through the conversation. She was not interested in the match, but Amit has managed to convince her”. It was Amit or herself, or Mrs.Uma always. She would go through the interview for her daughter, but who gave her the privilege to hurt her?
Mrs.Uma went on “I like Deepika though. She is a good girl. You have anything kept apart for her? Any gold, land or cash?
“There is a piece of land, I’m planning to sell. She will get her share of the property”.
“We were planning for a grand wedding. But Amit says, he likes a small ceremony with only a few in attendance. Your son-in-law is already saving money for you”
The wedding was fixed for the coming month. Deepika went about to make all the arrangements. One month after the wedding Amit was going away to work in an MNC in Silicon Valley and Deepika was going with him.
The one month went about in a hurry. In the spree of invitations, shopping, appointments, last minute changes, Shanta did not feel the loneliness tugging at the back of her heart.
A day before the wedding, Deepika sat with Shanta. Shanta had finished packing all the things to be taken to the venue. “Mummy tomorrow is the wedding. After tomorrow I will not be living here. I have been thinking about it all these days. Why Aravind can’t come to India and be with you? I could take you with me. Amit would not object. But you know, we will be leaving for the states in hardly a month, and the formalities of immigration are elaborate”.
“Deepika don’t think about it. You have to lead your life. When you were born did I think you would be with me forever? Don’t think about me. I will lead my life and make good use of it too.”
“Mummy, you think it is safe for you to live here alone in this house. May be you could join some home or same place where you could be living peacefully.”
Shanta could understand the import of her daughter’s words. Deepu did not want any risk or trouble. Far away in her Silicon Valley home, she did not want to hear any unpleasant news about her mother here in India. She wanted her glass house to be always protected. Shanta could think of her daughter’s growth in the spirit of the society. Are elders like her, without property, without income, without wealth a mere liability?
It was nice to see the bird fly away but why would the bird want the mother’s wings to be clipped. No she would not let anyone sympathize with her or plan for her. Shanta could deal with uncertainty unlike her daughter who had planned everything to a D. She wouldn’t blame Deepu. Saving your dignity was the hardest part. She felt very pleasant and all her thoughts to be in order. Oddly she felt no rancor but only wonder at how beautiful and coy the little bride was. One thing alone, made her weep silently, the absence of Ravi, when it was time to see off the little girl.
Aravind didn’t come but viewed the entire ceremony on a video call. That night at home Shanta felt all alone again; the ugly beast of hate and rancor eating into her thoughts.
Loneliness and Darkness. Not a sound from Deepika’s room. The music that played on the system; the sight and sounds that marked her presence. Shanta knew why she felt lonely. She was not afraid. She was not anxious of the future. She needed a purpose for her life.
A month after the wedding Deepika left for the US with Amit. Aravind came down for the event. After the departure, Aravind and Shanta returned home. In the evening when they had their supper and sat down to resume their thoughts, Aravind broached the subject. “Mummy, Deepika told me. She says I must think of finding a job here in this city to be near you. She fears you may fall ill”.
“Mm – Is that what she thinks. What do you think?”
“I think the same too. But me finding a job here in this city. Is it possible? How strange of her to think of me to stay in India when she can go abroad with her hubby. What about my application? My scholarship? “
“Aravind, Don’t think you need to sacrifice something for me. Why talk of improbable things? Don’t stop your studies abroad”. “Mummy, I knew you would never agree to such suggestions. In 4 years after I get my citizenship there, I will take you with me.” Aravind spent a few weeks of vacation with his mother. When his date of departure drew near Shanta asked him to take her on a day’s trip to her mother’s town.
Shanta’s life was about to take a turn. While one door had been closed, another door had opened. She could sense the excitement and happiness filling her heart. She could forgive everything and everyone in that moment of happiness. Yes, they were children and afraid. They have hopes and ambition. As the car drew nearer to the village, she felt exuberant. She had thought of living without fear. Now she would live without bitterness. Her Mother’s trust for the rural poor beckoned her. From the slowing car, she could see chirpy boys and girls filling out into the courtyard for their lunch in the school complex.
Shanta’s eyes took in the scene and her heart started to feel the joy of teaching the little kids in that village school.